Moon Handbook: Santa Barbara and the Central Coast discovers the musical talent of Brandon Follett

moon handbook Santa Barbara and the Central Coast

Brandon Follett moon handbook Santa Barbara and the Central Coast

It’s true! I’ll play guests a song or recite a poem at the Bridge Street Inn.  Pick up a Moon Handbook at your local bookstore or at the Moon website.

 

The Eggs Won’t Spoil and the Sperm Won’t Rot Abridged Song

Brandon Follett met Eddy Surman at the Bridge Street Inn. Eddy stopped in on his motorcycle ride down to Patagonia. While Eddy explored the Central Coast of California they started working on music. Here’s their collaboration.

Brandon Follett on vocals and lyrics
Eddy Surman on guitar

Follow Eddy’s adventures at http://eddy.adventureriders.com.au

Cambria Plants the Obama Avocado Tree

Cambria Park located in Cambria Californai

Charles:  I agree there needs to be more than two lonely picnic tables at the park on Bridge Street.  Does Cambria have the budget for a tank, anti-aircraft guns or a fighter jet?  There’s nothing more thrilling than making a homemade avocado veggie sandwich next to a tank.  I pulverize the sandwich like a tank blowing up an Iraqi citizen home.  Yummmm

weapons in park tank brandon follett

 

plane

weapons in park guns brandon follett

Sally:  I take guys to parks with weapons.  I make up a little love basket consisting of wine and cheese.  I get my date all drunk underneath the anti-aircraft gun.  Weapons get the men in the mood to conquer and dominate- that’s how I like it.

Betty:  There’s not enough money in the budget to purchase fancy killing machines like tanks or anti-aircraft guns.  Maybe Cambrians can rally around a project where the community will donate knives, guns, and lead pipes.  Granted, these weapons aren’t as glamorous as a tank that can obliterate a hospital or a fighter jet that can light a village and forest on fire with napalm.   As seen by the Sandy Hook Mass murder the proper hand held weapon can sure leave a lot of people dead!!!!! Bang Bang Slash Slash Thump Thump.

The crowd cheers. Hands point finger guns at each other.  Arms make thumping and slashing motions.

Jim:  I love the idea of guns, knives, and lead pipes in the park.  Except the Cambria budget can’t afford the orange cones and yellow tape to make the area safe.  What if a person trips over a lead pipe in the park?  That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

general sherman tree sequoia national park

Jack:  Okay Okay at this time physical weapons do not seem like a viable option.  Why don’t we plant a tree named after a violent person.  For example the largest tree in the world goes by the name General Sherman, found in the National Sequoia Park.  General William Tecumseh Sherman fought theAmericans in the south.  He is credited with the scorched Earth policy that is used today in such places as Darfur.

This wonderfully violent man also had a tank named after him called the M4 Sherman.  This version of the General killed plenty of Germans and Japanese.

The crowd, “Hurray for the General!”

charles manson fanclub

Bob raises his hand,  “I think we should plant a tree named after Charlie Manson.  He’s a relevant killer who still lives in California.”

Karen: “I have been a huge fan since 1969.  I respect Mr. Manson’s style of leadership, music and his commitment to fans.  He mails a hand written response to every fan letter.  However I think I speak for the majority of Cambrians when I tell you we should only glorify legalized murder.”

The crowd cheers and yells, “Legalized Murder!”

Karen:  “I nominate President Obama.  He has set a new standard for legalized murder.  He bombs and kills civilians with out declaring war.  He assassinated four US citizens,  one under the age of 18.  I’m surprised there are not more trees named after him.  Grab your shovels, kitchen compost and worm castings!!!!!  Who’s ready to do a little gardening?”

The crowd cheers unanimously, “Let’s garden!!!!”.

Later that afternoon the Cambrian citizens look lovingly at the new President Obama avocado tree.  The avocado tree was chosen in honor of Michelle Obama’s commitment to healthy living through food.

The Cambrian Obama Avocado Tree does not bring in as many tourists as the General Sherman or help children develop climbing skills and nurture their imagination like a tank does.  However, all the harvested avocados are donated to families in the Head Start program.

Avocado-Trees

 

Naturally Ridiculous but Humanly TRUE

Lovro67

I don’t like the sound of birds singing over head
I like sky scrapers that block out the sun
I don’t like green belts and smiling families

I don’t like art that looks hand made
I like music that’s sexy and young
I don’t like happiness when it’s free

I don’t like meat that looks like animals
I like fruit that comes in an easy to open can
I don’t like Saturday markets that take up parking

I don’t like rivers that possibly will flood my house
I like nature locked up in a cage
I don’t like trees that make me sneeze and blow my nose

The Rest Home

It’s sad when your heart’s broken
and you can’t say goodbye.
It’s sad when the only thing the doctor
will let you do
is cry.

It’s sad when the state laws
finally say okay
and now you’re too exhausted
to wear a smile
to say goodbye.

 

Eggs Won’t Spoil and Sperm Won’t Rot Abridged

creepy baby

your food doesn’t rot
your sperm doesn’t die
your eggs don’t spoil
your breasts won’t sag
your 85 year old medicated penis acts 21
and your smile never turns to sad
everything is not all right

Always new beginnings
Everything always ending
this is the way
life’s supposed to
be

Brandon Follett performs at the Poetry Church in San Luis Obispo

Thank You Dennis!!!!!!poetry church san luis obispo

featuring the music of:C.j. Boyd(road, USA)
http://cjboyd.bandcamp.com/album/aerial-roots!Mindparade(Bloomington, IN)
http://mindparade.bandcamp.com/album/everything-is-happeningSamaniega(Bloomington, IN)
http://jenniferburch.bandcamp.com/album/victoria-ep

U.s. Ghostal service(San Luis Obispo, CA)
https://densraypowelljunyor.bandcamp.com/album/the-everything-hat

featuring the spoken word/poetry of:

Leslie St. John(San Luis Obispo, CA)
http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/lstjohn/2012/05/art-school-model/
http://linebreak.org/poems/climbing-the-air/

Linda Camplese(Nipomo, CA)

Brandon FollettCambria, CA)
http://earthwormenvy.wordpress.com/

John Reid(Atascadero, CA)

please do bring a few bucks to support and honor the traveling musicians/poets.

once upon a time, C.j. Boyd passed through San Luis Obispo. C.j. was a magical road-warrior wizard of sound. Poetry Church Ministries heard about this and along with Anahata LovelyDay KiaWind brainstormed and realized that they should have a Poetry Church at Smiling Dog Yoga. It was then realized that the good friend and co-founder of U.S. Ghostal Service (also performing), Prince Thomas(performing as !Mindparade) was passing through California at the very same time as all of this so everything began to fall into a lovely place. Prince Thomas(aka Alex Arnold) was traveling with his partner and fellow performer Jennifer Samaniego Burch who also was quickly slated to perform at the church. Poetry Church then realized that the musical ingredients for the Poetry Church were in abundance and yet the POETRY itself(in its natural, silence-surfing form) was lacking so a fervent petition was made to the preternaturally silver-tongued Leslie St.John to share her poetry with the fellowship. Then the poetic services of one John Reid, a mad max of duneite poetry, were requested, as well as the disheveled hilarity of the poetry of Brandon Follett. Following a breakthrough poetry performance at the Wise Owl in Cambria, CA, the final ingredient of one Monalisa Maione(aka the one and only dynamo Linda Camplese) was added to the poetry church brew and then the potion cooked and cooked. C.J. Boyd was somewhere out there, rambling the coast hither and thither, bass lines in his eyes. Poetry Church quivered in anticipation and a hundred thousand kundalini snakes set their modes to rattle.

p.s. please come in a yummy kind of mood and attire for there will be much opportunity to dance, stretch and play in a ceremony such as this. bring a donation to support the traveling performers if you can. all are welcome, regardless. : )

Eggs Won’t Spoil and Sperm Won’t Rot

turkey baster

Not so long ago
before prenatal vitamins,
turkey basters,
and petri dishes
the birds and the bees
the mommies and the daddies
needed clean air
healthy trees
clear water
and
vibrant soil
to make babies
along with a pinch
of horniness

When the ingredients
didn’t work
no worries
their bodies rotted
back into the ground
and the baby making
process
starts over again

Mmmmmmmmmmm
salmon baked with garlic,
olive oil,
basil, and lemon juice
an herb arugula salad
glass of red wine
next to the wood stove
in a log cabin
overlooking a mountain lake
oh yes
and a pinch of horniness.

Baby making moments
created by
earthworms,
rainforests,
goat poop,
glaciers
and dandelions
now harvested from mother earth
by the diseased, aged, cancered and impotent
to keep sperm from rotting
to keep eggs from spoiling
to create a stylish Martha Stewartish
air conditioned reception area
for cozy People magazine reading
while the fertility specialist
keeps the baby making
waiting.

After the credit card transaction has cleared
little test tube baby
comes home
feels loved
falls asleep
in a plastic cage
Momma
holds baby up
to her fatty breast.
the baby latches on
slurps in the paint thinner
toilet deodorizer
cosmetic additives.
When baby is full
Dad draws a bath
and lays it in
warm gassy fracked water.
When baby is clean
Momma will lean down
with fast food breath
leaving red animal tested
kisses

The Bench

Yesterday in his pocket
he had
friends, Neil Diamond concert footage, the constitution, nude women, pac man, conspiracy theories, the stock market,
and streaming Rush Limbaugh.
His pocket was never boring.

Today in his pocket he has a tube of chap stick, a set of keys, and a wallet.
Next to him
my dog sniffs and squats.
By the time the dog finishes its crap
the man’s lips are moist,
and he has Iooked at the one photo of his family
and one photo of his cat.

He tries to engage me in conversation
about the shapes in the clouds
and the weather.
I motion to the Angry Bird game on the iPhone in my hand.
He starts petting and mumbling to my dog.

I wonder if he’s insane, stoned or retarded.
All this makes me nervous.
Then I remember
this is what people with boring pockets
do.

Dan, Stop Playing With That Antique Breast Pump

Elizabeth, "What time is it?"

Elizabeth, “What time is it?”


Martha takes Dan over to her mom’s house for a black bean burger.  The dinner goes over well considering it’s the first time Dan has met his wife’s mother.   After they finish eating, Dan and Martha go down to the basement to look for old family photos.  Dan opens up an unmarked box.  Inside, there are maternity clothes with psychedelic flower patterns.  At the bottom of the box is an antique breast pump.  As Dan starts to pull out the pump Martha’s mom walks down the stairs.  She says, “Dan, stop playing with that! I might be pregnant!”

Before Dan can wipe the astonishment off his face Martha tells her mom they need to go.  As they walk out the door and down the street Dan asks, “Did I hear your mom right?  Who’s the father?  Can a 60 year old woman get pregnant?  Does your mom think that antique breast pump still works?”

Martha says, “Dan, you know a baby can not live in my mom’s belly any more than a man can live in the belly of a whale.”

Dan: “Why are you throwing out Bible stories like Jonah and the Whale?  What are you talking about?  You keep mentioning how your mom has been lonely since your Dad died.  Your mom probably had some eggs frozen in the 90’s and now she has found a sperm donor.  It’s not like we’re planning to give your mom a grandbaby anytime soon.”

Martha: “You don’t get it Dan! Mom, was never religious like Dad.  Instead of staying at home with Dad when he got cancer, she had to work extra shifts to make ends meet.  After she worked those 12 hour shifts, it was the church who had dinner ready for the both of them. When Dad died he left the little amount of savings he had to the church.  The church decided it was best to decline the money and gave it to mom to help cover the medical bills.  It was this act of kindness that opened up mom’s heart and I guess other things to God.”

Dan asks, “What type of church does she go to?”

Martha replies, “A conservative church that believes in creationism and takes every aspect of the Bible literally.”

Dan: “So does your mom believe that every story in the bible is reality and can potentially be today’s reality?  For instance, does your mother know the Bible story of Balaam and the talking donkey?  What if we were all visiting your sister’s farm, and I thought I heard a donkey say ‘hey Elizabeth, what time is it?’  Would your mother really believe me and tell the donkey what time it is?”

Martha: “Yes she would, so please don’t do that!”

Dan: “Would your mom picket an abortion clinic or wear all black to a gay pride parade?”

Martha: “No, she’s not a an Al Qaeda or KKK God fearing extremist.  She likes to leave  most of the judging to God. I mean, Mom’s not perfect.   On her car there’s a bumper sticker that reads, ‘God hates cat perverts! Lev 18:23.‘   If she notices a person wearing an unsightly amount of cat hair on his shirt, she will interrogate the person like a social worker will question the parent of a child with a black eye. She won’t be satisfied until she feels the fur is left over from friendly petting.”

“Oh,” Dan says, “That’s why she won’t let the cats go outside unsupervised!”

Martha: “Yep.”

Dan: “Martha, none of this explains why your mom thinks she might be pregnant.”

Martha: “Mom never gave Dad a son.  It was Dad’s wish to have a son named after him.  In fact that’s why my name is Roberta.  Despite all the nights my parents kept me up late, they were never able to create another child.  I think Mom is holding onto hope from her studies of the Bible.  In the Old Testament, Sarah is the mother of Isaac.  In the New Testament, Elizabeth is the mother of John the Baptist.  Both of these women had old brittle arthritic hips and a dry well.  Because of their great faith in God, God rewarded them by impregnating them.”

Dan: “WOW!!!!!! Yes, I remember those stories!  Now I understand why your mom believes she might be pregnant.  Can you imagine the joy on Abraham’s face when he lifts up Sarah’s dress?  From her mid thigh to the top of her breasts he sees and feels the body of a young, sturdy, child bearing woman.  In Sunday school most teachers don’t take the time to reflect upon this physical miracle and the fun Abraham and Sarah must have had while waiting for baby Isaac to be born.”

“Dan, Mom is not pregnant!” Martha exclaims.

Dan: “Well, unless a doctor tells your mom otherwise, or baby Bobby doesn’t pop out in nine months, I’ll support your mom.  I will be God’s baby’s brother in law!”