“Cambria, CA Loves Me, this I Know” a guide and coupon book

Laughing & learning my way through Cambria. -Robin Riker, actor/writer

“Cambria, CA Loves Me, this I Know” by Brandon Follett

The hilarious former owner of the Bridge Street Inn, Brandon Follett, has brought smiles to Central Coast adventurers through his new Cambria guide and coupon book.  His newest book delivers 48 pages of fun that includes unique coupons ranging from discounts on restaurants to bicycle rentals.  Christina Tobin, Founder and Chair of Free & Equal, says it best, “Whether it’s politics or travel…different points of view create more choices.  Brandon’s perspective will help the reader discover some of Cambria’s best kept secrets.”

“Cambria, CA Loves Me, this I Know,” is more than the typical guide book containing a map with three line descriptions.  As educators have realized, humans do not always learn the same way.  Brandon is aware that not everyone travels the same way.  For example Brandon reveals the best places in Cambria to eat beans through a conversation he has with a character named Francisco and his tupperware of black beans.  Another example of Brandon’s unique style, is how he explains the clean smells of the Cambrian air through the perspective of a nose.    Brandon’s book will have you sniffing the air, taking selfie sexy photos, and drinking wine with a goat named Chet.

“Cambria, CA Loves Me, this I Know,” takes the alternative guide book to a whole new level by including 20 business coupons.  There are 10 coupons from Cambria and 10 coupons from Morro Bay (23 miles south of Cambria on the PCH).  The coupons range from 20% off a pint of beer to rent 1 bicycle and get the 2nd rental free.  There’s a coupon for every type of adventurer who’s excited to experience Cambria and the surrounding area.

“Cambria, CA Loves Me, this I Know,” can be purchased at the following locations: Stolo Family Vineyards, Ragged Point Inn and Resort, Henry Miller Library, Top Dog Coffee Bar, Coalesce Books, Seed & Soul, Bridge Street Inn, Ball & Skein & More, and Cambria Ocean Drifters.  10% of the author’s earnings will go towards the Cambria based nonprofit, Free and Equal Elections, an organization to broaden our electoral choices through education.

To purchase a book “Cambria, CA Love, this I Know”online click on cambrialoveme.com

5 more Morro Bay coupons and 10 Cambria coupons

 

Piss Poem duet performed at Centrally Grown located in Cambria, CA

Poet Brandon Follett and ASL interpreter Susan Mackey entertain at Centrally Grown.

Thank you Rita for the nice compliment!

The Bridge Street Inn -Cambria, California’s only hostel

When the sun slips below the Pacific and the landscape loses its definition, the stars are still hidden beneath twilight’s blanket, it’s time to check into the Bridge Street Inn.

The 110 year old Bridge Street Inn keeps the unique Central Coast vibe alive with its commitment to urban nature and the human spirit.  When guests step onto the property the first thing they’ll notice are the gardens.  Guests can enjoy the gardens while cooking up veggies from the local farmers market on the BBQ; watch the humming birds take in nectar from the drought tolerant flowers and succulents around the picnic table, relax in the comfy lawn chairs, or rock in the old-time porch swing framed by grape vines.

The human spirit can be as impressive as the Big Sur seashore or a fat elephant seal when guests from around the world start sharing their adventures and art in the common area.   Guests can grab one of the two guitars and share music, introduce other guests to favorite new bands through Spotify and Pandora, share stories, play Scrabble, and get rowdy with a physical game of Categories at the circular dinner table.

The Bridge Street Inn’s common room has plenty of thoughtful entertainment, aka non TV fun.  The library has a wide range of literature.  An example of what a guest can find on the book shelf:  Far Side cartoons, Federico Garcia Lorca poetry, The New Yorker magazine, and Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem.  I’m afraid to say it but yes, the BSI does have high speed internet for the guest who wants to sit in their room and quietly stream South Park.

The Bridge Street Inn provides a fully stocked kitchen to create a gourmet dinner with the produce you bought at the local grocery or farmers market.  The kitchen has a guest refrigerator, filtered water, gas burning stove/oven, and an impressive seasoned cast iron collection.  The cast iron collection has been pieced together from various garage and thrift stores from Idaho to California.  The BSI has made a commitment not to poison it’s guests with perfluorooctanoic acid and C – 8 found in nonstick cookware.

The Bridge Street Inn is closed from 10:30 AM to 5 PM.  We have the same attitude as most of our guests.  We all came to the Central Coast to adventure and not to sit indoors.  At 10:30 AM we tidy up the hostel.  Once the hostel has a clean cozy feel to it we put away the cleaning supplies and turn into adventurers.  You will find us catching waves, hiking Big Sur, bicycling the Highway 1 and working on art just like you.

My Armpits Smell like a Car Air Freshner

Part 1

The California draught has NOT been exacerbated by the few gardeners
who use potable water
to feed their spinach and arugula pizza toppings.

It’s people like me
the bank teller
data entry person
receptionist
accountant
telemarketer
IT
loan officer

who everyday
remove the chemical coat
of makeup, deodorants, and after shaves
with a long long long shower.

I rub myself down with,
“Avon so soft & sensual creamy body wash.”

All over my face I squirt,
“Yes to Cucumbers Gentle Milk Facial Cleanser.”

Then massage into my hair,
“Big Sexy Hair Marylin Monroe Limited Edition Volumizing Dry Shampoo.”

PART 2

During my 9 to 5 work week.  I sit in a chemically doused office.
My body never touches a sprinkle of grime or a pinch of dirt.

MY fingers never type so fast
to make my armpits give off a foul odor.

MY legs never so ardously
stand still behind a desk
to where my crotch becomes stinky.

MY eyes never laborously flicker
at such a rate in front of the monitor
that it makes my forehead perspire.

Corporate cubicle culture expects the worker b’s to smell like Target.
Middle management must smell like Macy’s.

I appreciate that Cambria has chosen to sacrifice the vegetable garden for those of us who need are bodies to smell like a recently deodorized hotel room
or detailed automobile.

These are my thoughts,

Veronica Wonderful

Can’t Find a single Business Sign obstructing the Skyline in Cambria

The glorious signs of a healthy economy.

I will not let Cambria’s anti free market strict business sign code stifle my capitalist creativity. Let’s see what the communists think about bicycle sandwich board signs.

A large glowing neon Bridge Street Inn sign would benefit guests. As you can see from this photo there really isn’t a good landmark for directions.

Moon Handbook: Santa Barbara and the Central Coast discovers the musical talent of Brandon Follett

It’s true! I’ll play guests a song or recite a poem at the Bridge Street Inn.  Pick up a Moon Handbook at your local bookstore or at the Moon website.

 

Cambria Plants the Obama Avocado Tree

Charles:  I agree there needs to be more than two lonely picnic tables at the park on Bridge Street.  Does Cambria have the budget for a tank, anti-aircraft guns or a fighter jet?  There’s nothing more thrilling than making a homemade avocado veggie sandwich next to a tank.  I pulverize the sandwich like a tank blowing up an Iraqi citizen home.  Yummmm

 

Sally:  I take guys to parks with weapons.  I make up a little love basket consisting of wine and cheese.  I get my date all drunk underneath the anti-aircraft gun.  Weapons get the men in the mood to conquer and dominate- that’s how I like it.

Betty:  There’s not enough money in the budget to purchase fancy killing machines like tanks or anti-aircraft guns.  Maybe Cambrians can rally around a project where the community will donate knives, guns, and lead pipes.  Granted, these weapons aren’t as glamorous as a tank that can obliterate a hospital or a fighter jet that can light a village and forest on fire with napalm.   As seen by the Sandy Hook Mass murder the proper hand held weapon can sure leave a lot of people dead!!!!! Bang Bang Slash Slash Thump Thump.

The crowd cheers. Hands point finger guns at each other.  Arms make thumping and slashing motions.

Jim:  I love the idea of guns, knives, and lead pipes in the park.  Except the Cambria budget can’t afford the orange cones and yellow tape to make the area safe.  What if a person trips over a lead pipe in the park?  That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Jack:  Okay Okay at this time physical weapons do not seem like a viable option.  Why don’t we plant a tree named after a violent person.  For example the largest tree in the world goes by the name General Sherman, found in the National Sequoia Park.  General William Tecumseh Sherman fought theAmericans in the south.  He is credited with the scorched Earth policy that is used today in such places as Darfur.

This wonderfully violent man also had a tank named after him called the M4 Sherman.  This version of the General killed plenty of Germans and Japanese.

The crowd, “Hurray for the General!”

Bob raises his hand,  “I think we should plant a tree named after Charlie Manson.  He’s a relevant killer who still lives in California.”

Karen: “I have been a huge fan since 1969.  I respect Mr. Manson’s style of leadership, music and his commitment to fans.  He mails a hand written response to every fan letter.  However I think I speak for the majority of Cambrians when I tell you we should only glorify legalized murder.”

The crowd cheers and yells, “Legalized Murder!”

Karen:  “I nominate President Obama.  He has set a new standard for legalized murder.  He bombs and kills civilians with out declaring war.  He assassinated four US citizens,  one under the age of 18.  I’m surprised there are not more trees named after him.  Grab your shovels, kitchen compost and worm castings!!!!!  Who’s ready to do a little gardening?”

The crowd cheers unanimously, “Let’s garden!!!!”.

Later that afternoon the Cambrian citizens look lovingly at the new President Obama avocado tree.  The avocado tree was chosen in honor of Michelle Obama’s commitment to healthy living through food.

The Cambrian Obama Avocado Tree does not bring in as many tourists as the General Sherman or help children develop climbing skills and nurture their imagination like a tank does.  However, all the harvested avocados are donated to families in the Head Start program.

 

Birthing Sock Monkey

Cambria, California has an eclectic art scene. An example can be found at the Painted Lily Gallery. Artist Sara Blair-Field takes the imagination to a new place with her sock monkey’s. To learn more about the Painted Lily Gallery and Sara’s work check out
http://www.thepaintedlily.net/Home.html

Special thanks to Ginna Mueller for her assistance.

David Bowie, Funny Mirrors, and a Veggie Burrito at the Old Stone Station

The Old Stone Station became a place of refuge for John

At John’s funeral, friends and family dropped fresh cut flowers into the grave. Willy walked to the edge where the casket lay.  He tightly squeezed a David Bowie t-shirt before relaxing his hands.  Willy let the Ziggy Startdust t-shirt fall into the grave.

Clyde asked perplexed, “What are you doing?”

Willie replied, “John loved David Bowie.  Remember how many times he went to the men’s restroom at the Old Stone Station Restaurant?”

A year ago, Willie, Clyde, and John met on a sunny day on the deck of the Old Stone Station. They each planned on enjoying the best Mexican food served on Friday. Ironically, they all ordered veggie burritos. The three of them quickly realized this serendipitous moment. Conversations began and three tables became one. A Friday veggie burrito tradition began.

Like a digital clock with a strong battery, Willie, Clyde, and John showed up at the same time every Friday and ordered the same veggie burrito.  The tradition changed when John’s wife left him for a young stud and the L.A. city life.  Depressed, John began to eat 1.5 burritos, than 2 burritos in one sitting.  Willie and Clyde were amazed by John’s overwhelming burrito consumption.

John developed deadly feelings for black beans

John replied in a condescending snarky voice, “How can a person not eat two of a these remarkable creations!  The flavors of the beans, sauces, fresh ingredients, veggie burger and cheese make me forget myself.  I am no longer John who gave 20 years of my life to a woman who didn’t appreciate it.  At the Old Stone Station I am simply a tongue who doesn’t need love – only a burrito.”

The guys noticed John use the bathroom more frequently and lose weight.

One day when John left to the restroom, Clyde asked Willie, “Do you think it’s weird John’s bladder has gotten smaller since his divorce?”

The last known photo of John

Willie, “I don’t think his bladder has gotten smaller.   He frequently uses the restroom because the carnival fees to enjoy a circus mirror in private is ridiculous.  At the Old Stone Station the price of the mirror is included in the price of the meal.  He can laugh and laugh as long as he purchases something.  John’s a huge David Bowie fan. He told the restaurant owner he wants first dibs on the David Bowie shirt in the bathroom.  Notice how he looks at the burritos and mutters the lyric, “Oh you pretty thing your driving your mamas and papas insane.”  I’m a huge Paul McCartney fan.  I would pretend to pee a lot more if a Paul McCartney t-shirt hung in the bathroom.”

John heard most of their conversation and paused before returning. He could not let his friends know of his burrito addiction. He decided to mask his bulimia by becoming a David Bowie fan.

The madness turned John into a David Bowie burrito eater.

A month of Fridays passed.  John looked more skinny and unhealthy.

Clyde finely addressed the elephant in the room, “John, what’s wrong with you.  You have grown into the body of 17 year old girl who wants to be a model.”

John snapped, “I look like David Bowie on heroine.”

John went to the bathroom muttering a David Bowie song.

Clyde said, “Willie I have a crazy thought.  Did you see how fast John ferociously devoured his burrito?  He reminds me of my cat, Henrietta. She can eat a can of canned cat food like John can scarf down a burrito. When she can’t eat anymore she sneaks off and pukes up her food.  Do you notice how John eats and eats then leaves to go to the bathroom?  Does John remind you of my cat?”

Willie, “I’ve never met Henrietta but I do know John reminds me of David Bowie on heroine.”

The End.

John’s now in Happy Burrito heaven.

Old Stone Station
713 Main St.
Cambria, CA 93428
1-805-927-4229

Special thanks to Gillian Rowley’s edits.  Check out her blog Allergy Bites

“Cambria Doesn’t Stink” says my Nose

unhappy stressed out nose

Dear Brandon,

I have an unhappy nose. It has become resentful of the rest of my body. My nose recently pointed out over the last several years:

-my legs hiked the Pacific Crest Trail.
-my eyes got to see works of art at the Louvre Museum in Paris.
-my brain went to the Smithsonian in Washington DC.
-my belly and tongue tasted the Portland, OR food truck scene.
-my arms and chest went on a sea kayaking trip in the San Juan Islands.
-my heart went on a weekend date to Atlanta, ID.
-my toes regularly go to the beach.
-several times a month my fingers go to the petting zoo and recieve a manicure.

Physically the jealousy has manifested itself into stress. Besides my nose being unhappy it’s now ugly. Covered in blackheads. I have promised my nose a vacation. Please help me by answering a few questions.
-Does the BSI use cleaning products with misleading smells that might confuse my nose by making it think it’s in a rainforest?
-Does Cambria have oil refineries, pulp mills, 8 lane freeways, and feedlots?
-Do the ally’s in Cambria smell like piss similar to SF’s ally’s?

Thanks in Advance,

Francisco De Lovely

Hello Francisco,

No, to all the above.  I too forgot I had a nose. One day I had no inspiration. I went to Moonstone Beach to sit in solitude and listen to the small voice found in my heart. That afternoon on the beach my heart whispered nothing profound. However my nose breathed in the smells of Cambria and sniffled out this song. Below are the lyrics and a recording of the song. I now follow my nose instead of my heart.

See you soon,

Brandon

What’s that You Say Nose?

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

Little baby isn’t cute who wears a smelly diaper.
Hot woman with inflamed tonsils has a smelly kiss.
The man with gangrene has a stinky leg.
Spoiled milk has a pungent smell.
The smell of moldy lentils makes me want to hurl.
My nose has taught me
to stay away from these bad smells.

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

Cigarettes are smelly.
Agro business is smelly.
Polluted rivers are smelly.
Cheap perfume tested on animals is smelly.
Bombs and blood are smelly.
Growing up I was told my nose has smelled wrong.
They say breathe in the smell of progress.

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

A performance of What’s that You Say Nose?