Tag Archives: california

Piss Poem duet performed at Centrally Grown located in Cambria, CA

Poet Brandon Follett and ASL interpreter Susan Mackey entertain at Centrally Grown.

Brandon Follett Centrally Grown

Centrally Grown open mic Brandon Follett Cambria California

Thank you Rita for the nice compliment!

Thank you Rita for the nice compliment!

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The Bridge Street Inn -Cambria, California’s only hostel

Bridge Street Inn Cambria California

When the sun slips below the Pacific and the landscape loses its definition, the stars are still hidden beneath twilight’s blanket, it’s time to check into the Bridge Street Inn.

The 110 year old Bridge Street Inn keeps the unique Central Coast vibe alive with its commitment to urban nature and the human spirit.  When guests step onto the property the first thing they’ll notice are the gardens.  Guests can enjoy the gardens while cooking up veggies from the local farmers market on the BBQ; watch the humming birds take in nectar from the drought tolerant flowers and succulents around the picnic table, relax in the comfy lawn chairs, or rock in the old-time porch swing framed by grape vines.

The human spirit can be as impressive as the Big Sur seashore or a fat elephant seal when guests from around the world start sharing their adventures and art in the common area.   Guests can grab one of the two guitars and share music, introduce other guests to favorite new bands through Spotify and Pandora, share stories, play Scrabble, and get rowdy with a physical game of Categories at the circular dinner table.

The Bridge Street Inn’s common room has plenty of thoughtful entertainment, aka non TV fun.  The library has a wide range of literature.  An example of what a guest can find on the book shelf:  Far Side cartoons, Federico Garcia Lorca poetry, The New Yorker magazine, and Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem.  I’m afraid to say it but yes, the BSI does have high speed internet for the guest who wants to sit in their room and quietly stream South Park.

The Bridge Street Inn provides a fully stocked kitchen to create a gourmet dinner with the produce you bought at the local grocery or farmers market.  The kitchen has a guest refrigerator, filtered water, gas burning stove/oven, and an impressive seasoned cast iron collection.  The cast iron collection has been pieced together from various garage and thrift stores from Idaho to California.  The BSI has made a commitment not to poison it’s guests with perfluorooctanoic acid and C – 8 found in nonstick cookware.

The Bridge Street Inn is closed from 10:30 AM to 5 PM.  We have the same attitude as most of our guests.  We all came to the Central Coast to adventure and not to sit indoors.  At 10:30 AM we tidy up the hostel.  Once the hostel has a clean cozy feel to it we put away the cleaning supplies and turn into adventurers.  You will find us catching waves, hiking Big Sur, bicycling the Highway 1 and working on art just like you.

My Armpits Smell like a Car Air Freshner

Part 1

The California draught has NOT been exacerbated by the few gardeners
who use potable water
to feed their spinach and arugula pizza toppings.

It’s people like me
the bank teller
data entry person
receptionist
accountant
telemarketer
IT
loan officer

who everyday
remove the chemical coat
of makeup, deodorants, and after shaves
with a long long long shower.

I rub myself down with,
“Avon so soft & sensual creamy body wash.”

All over my face I squirt,
“Yes to Cucumbers Gentle Milk Facial Cleanser.”

Then massage into my hair,
“Big Sexy Hair Marylin Monroe Limited Edition Volumizing Dry Shampoo.”

PART 2

During my 9 to 5 work week.  I sit in a chemically doused office.
My body never touches a sprinkle of grime or a pinch of dirt.

MY fingers never type so fast
to make my armpits give off a foul odor.

MY legs never so ardously
stand still behind a desk
to where my crotch becomes stinky.

MY eyes never laborously flicker
at such a rate in front of the monitor
that it makes my forehead perspire.

Corporate cubicle culture expects the worker b’s to smell like Target.
Middle management must smell like Macy’s.

I appreciate that Cambria has chosen to sacrifice the vegetable garden for those of us who need are bodies to smell like a recently deodorized hotel room
or detailed automobile.

These are my thoughts,

Veronica Wonderful

Can’t Find a single Business Sign obstructing the Skyline in Cambria

Cambria Signs

The glorious signs of a healthy economy.

I will not let Cambria’s anti free market strict business sign code stifle my capitalist creativity. Let’s see what the communists think about bicycle sandwich board signs.

Bridge street inn cambria  bike paining

Bridge Street Inn cambria bicycle light post

Bridge Street Inn bicycle brandon

bicycle sign close up

bridge street road

A large glowing neon Bridge Street Inn sign would benefit guests. As you can see from this photo there really isn’t a good landmark for directions.

Moon Handbook: Santa Barbara and the Central Coast discovers the musical talent of Brandon Follett

moon handbook Santa Barbara and the Central Coast

Brandon Follett moon handbook Santa Barbara and the Central Coast

It’s true! I’ll play guests a song or recite a poem at the Bridge Street Inn.  Pick up a Moon Handbook at your local bookstore or at the Moon website.

 

Cambria Plants the Obama Avocado Tree

Cambria Park located in Cambria Californai

Charles:  I agree there needs to be more than two lonely picnic tables at the park on Bridge Street.  Does Cambria have the budget for a tank, anti-aircraft guns or a fighter jet?  There’s nothing more thrilling than making a homemade avocado veggie sandwich next to a tank.  I pulverize the sandwich like a tank blowing up an Iraqi citizen home.  Yummmm

weapons in park tank brandon follett

 

plane

weapons in park guns brandon follett

Sally:  I take guys to parks with weapons.  I make up a little love basket consisting of wine and cheese.  I get my date all drunk underneath the anti-aircraft gun.  Weapons get the men in the mood to conquer and dominate- that’s how I like it.

Betty:  There’s not enough money in the budget to purchase fancy killing machines like tanks or anti-aircraft guns.  Maybe Cambrians can rally around a project where the community will donate knives, guns, and lead pipes.  Granted, these weapons aren’t as glamorous as a tank that can obliterate a hospital or a fighter jet that can light a village and forest on fire with napalm.   As seen by the Sandy Hook Mass murder the proper hand held weapon can sure leave a lot of people dead!!!!! Bang Bang Slash Slash Thump Thump.

The crowd cheers. Hands point finger guns at each other.  Arms make thumping and slashing motions.

Jim:  I love the idea of guns, knives, and lead pipes in the park.  Except the Cambria budget can’t afford the orange cones and yellow tape to make the area safe.  What if a person trips over a lead pipe in the park?  That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

general sherman tree sequoia national park

Jack:  Okay Okay at this time physical weapons do not seem like a viable option.  Why don’t we plant a tree named after a violent person.  For example the largest tree in the world goes by the name General Sherman, found in the National Sequoia Park.  General William Tecumseh Sherman fought theAmericans in the south.  He is credited with the scorched Earth policy that is used today in such places as Darfur.

This wonderfully violent man also had a tank named after him called the M4 Sherman.  This version of the General killed plenty of Germans and Japanese.

The crowd, “Hurray for the General!”

charles manson fanclub

Bob raises his hand,  “I think we should plant a tree named after Charlie Manson.  He’s a relevant killer who still lives in California.”

Karen: “I have been a huge fan since 1969.  I respect Mr. Manson’s style of leadership, music and his commitment to fans.  He mails a hand written response to every fan letter.  However I think I speak for the majority of Cambrians when I tell you we should only glorify legalized murder.”

The crowd cheers and yells, “Legalized Murder!”

Karen:  “I nominate President Obama.  He has set a new standard for legalized murder.  He bombs and kills civilians with out declaring war.  He assassinated four US citizens,  one under the age of 18.  I’m surprised there are not more trees named after him.  Grab your shovels, kitchen compost and worm castings!!!!!  Who’s ready to do a little gardening?”

The crowd cheers unanimously, “Let’s garden!!!!”.

Later that afternoon the Cambrian citizens look lovingly at the new President Obama avocado tree.  The avocado tree was chosen in honor of Michelle Obama’s commitment to healthy living through food.

The Cambrian Obama Avocado Tree does not bring in as many tourists as the General Sherman or help children develop climbing skills and nurture their imagination like a tank does.  However, all the harvested avocados are donated to families in the Head Start program.

Avocado-Trees

 

Birthing Sock Monkey

Cambria, California has an eclectic art scene. An example can be found at the Painted Lily Gallery. Artist Sara Blair-Field takes the imagination to a new place with her sock monkey’s. To learn more about the Painted Lily Gallery and Sara’s work check out
http://www.thepaintedlily.net/Home.html

Special thanks to Ginna Mueller for her assistance.

David Bowie, Funny Mirrors, and a Veggie Burrito at the Old Stone Station

old stone station Cambria California

The Old Stone Station became a place of refuge for John

At John’s funeral, friends and family dropped fresh cut flowers into the grave. Willy walked to the edge where the casket lay.  He tightly squeezed a David Bowie t-shirt before relaxing his hands.  Willy let the Ziggy Startdust t-shirt fall into the grave.

Clyde asked perplexed, “What are you doing?”

Old Stone Station David Bowie

Willie replied, “John loved David Bowie.  Remember how many times he went to the men’s restroom at the Old Stone Station Restaurant?”

A year ago, Willie, Clyde, and John met on a sunny day on the deck of the Old Stone Station. They each planned on enjoying the best Mexican food served on Friday. Ironically, they all ordered veggie burritos. The three of them quickly realized this serendipitous moment. Conversations began and three tables became one. A Friday veggie burrito tradition began.

Like a digital clock with a strong battery, Willie, Clyde, and John showed up at the same time every Friday and ordered the same veggie burrito.  The tradition changed when John’s wife left him for a young stud and the L.A. city life.  Depressed, John began to eat 1.5 burritos, than 2 burritos in one sitting.  Willie and Clyde were amazed by John’s overwhelming burrito consumption.

Old stone Station veggie burrito Cambria California

John developed deadly feelings for black beans

John replied in a condescending snarky voice, “How can a person not eat two of a these remarkable creations!  The flavors of the beans, sauces, fresh ingredients, veggie burger and cheese make me forget myself.  I am no longer John who gave 20 years of my life to a woman who didn’t appreciate it.  At the Old Stone Station I am simply a tongue who doesn’t need love – only a burrito.”

The guys noticed John use the bathroom more frequently and lose weight.

One day when John left to the restroom, Clyde asked Willie, “Do you think it’s weird John’s bladder has gotten smaller since his divorce?”

The last known photo of John

The last known photo of John

Willie, “I don’t think his bladder has gotten smaller.   He frequently uses the restroom because the carnival fees to enjoy a circus mirror in private is ridiculous.  At the Old Stone Station the price of the mirror is included in the price of the meal.  He can laugh and laugh as long as he purchases something.  John’s a huge David Bowie fan. He told the restaurant owner he wants first dibs on the David Bowie shirt in the bathroom.  Notice how he looks at the burritos and mutters the lyric, “Oh you pretty thing your driving your mamas and papas insane.”  I’m a huge Paul McCartney fan.  I would pretend to pee a lot more if a Paul McCartney t-shirt hung in the bathroom.”

John heard most of their conversation and paused before returning. He could not let his friends know of his burrito addiction. He decided to mask his bulimia by becoming a David Bowie fan.

The madness turned John into a David Bowie burrito eater.

The madness turned John into a David Bowie burrito eater.

A month of Fridays passed.  John looked more skinny and unhealthy.

Clyde finely addressed the elephant in the room, “John, what’s wrong with you.  You have grown into the body of 17 year old girl who wants to be a model.”

John snapped, “I look like David Bowie on heroine.”

John went to the bathroom muttering a David Bowie song.

Clyde said, “Willie I have a crazy thought.  Did you see how fast John ferociously devoured his burrito?  He reminds me of my cat, Henrietta. She can eat a can of canned cat food like John can scarf down a burrito. When she can’t eat anymore she sneaks off and pukes up her food.  Do you notice how John eats and eats then leaves to go to the bathroom?  Does John remind you of my cat?”

Willie, “I’ve never met Henrietta but I do know John reminds me of David Bowie on heroine.”

The End.

John's now in Happy Burrito heaven.

John’s now in Happy Burrito heaven.

Old Stone Station
713 Main St.
Cambria, CA 93428
1-805-927-4229

Special thanks to Gillian Rowley’s edits.  Check out her blog Allergy Bites

South Pine Cafe Omelet Review located in Nevada City, California

I glance up at a woman who sits down at the table next to us.  She has a look that could easy blend into any line at the grocery store, pass through airport security, and possibly teach a Sunday school.  I smile at her and return to the joys of my South Pine Cafe Omelet.

This particular omelet delights my palette with mushrooms, spinach, red onions, corn salsa, jack cheese topped with red/green pesto.  Despite the delicious taste of the pesto my eyes keep looking at the woman.  What about her holds my attention.  She has a middle class put together appearance.  It not like she’s is wearing a midwestern militia patch.  She laughs and engages in friendly banter.  Then my eyes become fixated on the stack of napkins by her plate.

That’s it the napkins!  How odd for a person who looks so well adjusted to need such a huge pile of napkins.  Obviously she’s on a date with her life skills coach mastering the technique of public breakfast edict.

I whisper to Veronica, “Check out the pile of napkins.  A stack that large requires a big mess.  Watch out at any moment she may start pouring ketchup all over her face or hurl bits of omelet at the other tables.”  As I say this I pretend to hide behind Veronica’s back dodging chunks of egg.

Veronica laughs, “I guess we’ll see.  Did you know my mouth to hand eye coordination is so advanced that I wager I only need to use a half a napkin from start to finish?”

I didn’t make the wager.  Veronica is so clean that she can go four days without taking a shower.

6 cups of coffee, 2 clean plates and a half used napkin later the woman across from us finishes without incident.  She takes the pile of napkins and tosses them on her plate. To my disappoint I look at Veronica, “Let’s go.  That was anticlimactic.  I don’t understand why the woman across from us tries to pass her self off as mentally challenged?”

That afternoon as I sit naked with my toes in the Yuba River and reflect upon the pile of napkins.  I wonder how much of the environment is destroyed out of fear and paranoia of a ketchup dribble.  Why don’t people simply use a napkin as they dribble.  One napkin at a time?  Does the madness end with the napkin?  What about sanitary napkins?  What about adult incontence pads?  7% of landfill waste is attributed to adult diapers.

It saddens me to observe the woman at the restaurant toss perfectly good napkins but it disturbs me more to think she might daily put on a precautionary adult diaper then throws it away because she’s afraid some poo might dribble out of her ass onto her pants.

Click on this link to learn more about adult diapers and how worms can eat a diaper.
http://www.treehugger.com/clean-technology/adult-diapers-clog-landfills-too.html

South Pine Cafe
Nevada City, California
110 South Pine Street
Nevada City, CA 95959

530.265.0260
Hours:
8am – 3pm 7 days a week

“Cambria Doesn’t Stink” says my Nose

unhappy stressed out nose

Dear Brandon,

I have an unhappy nose. It has become resentful of the rest of my body. My nose recently pointed out over the last several years:

-my legs hiked the Pacific Crest Trail.
-my eyes got to see works of art at the Louvre Museum in Paris.
-my brain went to the Smithsonian in Washington DC.
-my belly and tongue tasted the Portland, OR food truck scene.
-my arms and chest went on a sea kayaking trip in the San Juan Islands.
-my heart went on a weekend date to Atlanta, ID.
-my toes regularly go to the beach.
-several times a month my fingers go to the petting zoo and recieve a manicure.

Physically the jealousy has manifested itself into stress. Besides my nose being unhappy it’s now ugly. Covered in blackheads. I have promised my nose a vacation. Please help me by answering a few questions.
-Does the BSI use cleaning products with misleading smells that might confuse my nose by making it think it’s in a rainforest?
-Does Cambria have oil refineries, pulp mills, 8 lane freeways, and feedlots?
-Do the ally’s in Cambria smell like piss similar to SF’s ally’s?

Thanks in Advance,

Francisco De Lovely

Hello Francisco,

No, to all the above.  I too forgot I had a nose. One day I had no inspiration. I went to Moonstone Beach to sit in solitude and listen to the small voice found in my heart. That afternoon on the beach my heart whispered nothing profound. However my nose breathed in the smells of Cambria and sniffled out this song. Below are the lyrics and a recording of the song. I now follow my nose instead of my heart.

See you soon,

Brandon

What’s that You Say Nose?

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

Little baby isn’t cute who wears a smelly diaper.
Hot woman with inflamed tonsils has a smelly kiss.
The man with gangrene has a stinky leg.
Spoiled milk has a pungent smell.
The smell of moldy lentils makes me want to hurl.
My nose has taught me
to stay away from these bad smells.

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

Cigarettes are smelly.
Agro business is smelly.
Polluted rivers are smelly.
Cheap perfume tested on animals is smelly.
Bombs and blood are smelly.
Growing up I was told my nose has smelled wrong.
They say breathe in the smell of progress.

What’s that you say nose?
It might not be good
to live, eat, drink and fuck
by that fuckin smell.

A performance of What’s that You Say Nose?